Dear readers:

This weekend is the 5th anniversary of the completion of this project. I’ve struggled for some time, trying to decide whether to delete this blog or simply update it to reflect how things have transpired. It would be easy to do the former and let this idea die forever: despite the fact that the site averages between 100 and 200 unique visitors each week, readers are no longer reading this in real time, and so much of the writing feels embarrassing or outdated. There’s also inertia…

But the site still averages 100 – 200 people each week! In my opinion, that speaks to a need we all have to be encouraged during difficult times, and to make sense of our lives regardless of our experiences. I get that, and I want to honor the human aspects of this project. Moreover, the fact that some of the stories have aged poorly over the years isn’t embarrassing – it’s expected. We learn, we grow, we change. The difference between 30 and 35 is everything! I’m pleased with the progress I’ve made, and proud of who I am.
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Mostly, though, I have to respect the integrity of my journey. I owe my readers an update.
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I hope it doesn’t surprise you to learn that “Mr. Wonderful” wasn’t wonderful at all. He was broken, and I was trying to fix him. This was futile, because it is impossible to change someone else. (If you don't already, you need to know that.) In total, I spent just shy of 11 years trying to make him someone he wasn’t. He was narcissistic, and emotionally abusive. He was immature. And I don’t just think he was broken, either – I think he didn't love me, and I’m not sure he ever did.

Sometimes I’m angry at myself and embarrassed that it took 11 years to see and admit this. But the calmer, older and wiser version of me kicks in, and I know I learned invaluable lessons through this relationship: I learned what I can and can’t control, and I learned how I want to be treated. I learned humility, for sure, in the face of so much hardship. I developed resilience. I haven’t seen him in well over 3 years.

Here’s the most important thing I learned through that relationship, though: you cannot have regrets. I cannot know what life would have looked like if I hadn’t been with him. I cannot tell you that I wouldn’t have been in another, equally awful relationship. I can tell you that I accept where I’ve been and, therefore, where I am. I can tell you that that the place of acceptance is where happiness is.

But here’s the bigger lesson that I’ve learned over the last 5 years: I am responsible for my own happiness, and you are responsible for yours. That’s some powerful information right there, and I learned it through this project. How could I possibly regret it? It was the beginning of my journey to find my own happiness.

And, just so you don’t think this Epilogue is all bad news, I DID find that happiness. 😊 I met my husband in September 2015, and he is a truly wonderful person. He’s kind, humble, smart, funny, hardworking, successful and generous. He’s the husband who lives to make his wife happy, and his wife doesn’t take advantage of it. She also doesn’t take it for granted. He’s seen his share of pain, but he’s dealt with it. He’s whole. He’s the person people of all ages love to be around (kind to the elderly, kind to children), and he’s going to be an amazing father. He is tender and patient and wise. I’m beyond lucky to be his wife.

I’m lucky, too, to have given up my unfulfilling career, which evolved from boring at the conclusion of this project to exhausting and harried – 60-hour work weeks and way, way too much business travel. It required shouting about things that I did not believe in, and dealing with a toxic environment that left 60% of the organization without jobs in the span of about a year. I, though, left willingly, and am more fulfilled than ever: I fold laundry; take care of the dog; clean the house; comfort the many community members who come through its doors – for advice, for comfort, for a cup of tea or a home-cooked meal; I read; I meditate; I write. I’m a matriarch. And a storyteller. It took me a long, long time to realize that, but of course I am.

Nothing looks the same as it did five years ago – literally very, very little. I don’t have the same house, live in the same town or wear the same clothes. But I have the same family, most of the same friends and an answer to the reason why I’m here. I’m also happier than ever.
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And more grateful and humble, as well.

I hope you’re feeling whole, too. I hope you’re doing well.

With much love and appreciation,
G&H

Dear readers,

The end is here.  One full year after I began this project, it is time to finish it.  In the process of trying to identify 500 reasons to take stock and give thanks in 365 days, I have found gratitude, humility, peace and hope once again.  I have come full circle and accomplished what I set out to accomplish.  I am proud of this.

Now I can rest.

When I lost my job one year and four months ago today, I never thought I’d get over it.  I remain convinced that, without the help of Mr. Wonderful, I wouldn’t have.  It was a dark, confusing and unsettling period that undoubtedly shaped the person I now am.  So, when Mr. Wonderful went through his own dark, confusing and unsettling period just two months later and threatened our relationship in the process, I found myself at my literal wit’s end.  I didn’t know what to do, how to think or who I could be in the face of such horrifying things, so I wallowed for a month and a half in the pit of my despair.  I wallowed until I decided I didn’t want to wallow anymore.  Until I decided that I didn’t want to feel hopeless.  Until I decided that there were other things to live for.  Until I decided to not to suffer or see myself as a victim, but rather to take responsibility for my own happiness.

That’s when I started this project.

Only good things can come from paying attention to the positive things that happen on a daily basis and from choosing to be humbled by both good and bad fortune.  You simultaneously learn that everything isn’t as bad as it seems and that none of us is immune from difficult experiences.  You honestly begin to slow down and enjoy life instead of rushing through it, and you genuinely reflect on just how much you have been given and who you still can be regardless of what you weren’t handed.  Life becomes sweeter and the possibilities endless.

That’s what I’ve learned during this process: that life is so much bolder and brighter than I imagined it was (lesson #50, reason #500) when my outlook was narrowed by unemployment and my hope for the future was clouded by a relationship in question.  I never would have told you that while I was in the middle of the crisis, because I was trying just to survive it.  It is only now, on the other side of it, that I see life for what it is: neither perfect nor easy but beautiful and worth the effort.

Thank you so much for accompanying me on this journey.  I cannot tell you how much your readership and support have meant.

Kindest regards,
Grateful & Humble

Lesson 48, Reason 498: "The absence of feeling bad isn't enough to make you feel happy; you must strive to find sources of feeling good." ~ Gretchen Rubin

Lesson 49, Reason 499: "Pleasing yourself is not so easy. It can even seem frightening." ~ Christopher Alexander

-Me

Lesson 46, reason 496:  Embrace Gretchen Rubin's "One-Sentence Journal: A Five-Year Record."  It's a great way to slow down, sum up each day and reflect on your blessings and successes.  Some days are good, some days are bad, but the vast majority are somewhere in the middle.  And it's there that we must learn to live.

Lesson 47, reason 497:  Day-to-day life is really hard work.  It requires patience, resilience, perspective, determination, and the fortitude to tolerate monotony, boredom and the sense that you're not there yet.  It requires viewing each day as single steps on a lifelong journey toward changing destinations.

-Me

Lesson 42, reason 492:  There is nothing quite so soothing as nature.  (Literally: nothing.  Now, go connect with it.)

Lesson 43, reason 493:  Things don't always happen on our timetable.  (In fact, it's often quite the opposite...)

Lesson 44, reason 494:  You cannot live your life in fear.  (And neither can I.  I wasn't being arrogant!)

Lesson 45, reason 495:  You must not be complacent or compulsive.  (Instead choose to be proactive but thoughtful.)

-Me

Lesson 41, reason 491:  The goal is to be whole.  Not to be successful, loved, liked or respected; when you're whole you don't need external validation.  And when being whole is your goal, your actions are governed by the right motives.  And those actions are wildly different than when your goal is to be successful, loved, liked or respected.

Heal your wounds, get in touch with your feelings and do things that you enjoy doing -- by yourself.  Grow in ways that you want to grow.  And remember that aiming for "better" isn't the same as aiming to be whole.

-Me

I know I promised you I would stop offering up my own commentary, but the past week has been an interesting one for me.  And rules were made to be broken.

At the beginning of this week a series of events occurred and, like a black cloud, bad luck descended.  Everything that I’ve worked so hard for – both personally and professionally – seemed to be falling apart at the seams.  And while this may sound rather ordinary, it didn’t feel that way to me: I’ve fought tooth and nail to create from beauty ashes, particularly over the last year and a half, and to feel that it might fall apart regardless of those efforts shocked and saddened me.

“Haven't I paid my dues?” I thought.  “Surely I don’t deserve this!”

I considered what I had put in and what I might get out, and the thought that I am a failure – that nothing I do will ever be good enough – enveloped me.  I could not imagine having nothing show for all I’ve been through.  I despaired at the thought of ending up empty-handed.

So, I cried.  For one entire afternoon and evening, I cried.  To anyone who would listen, really, but mostly to my mother and my best friend.  I was hysterical, and while I could not believe it, I felt as though my only option was to pack up, end my relationship, quit my job and start again.  In a new town.  In the Midwest.  Somewhere I have never been.

My mother tried to talk me through this, and my best friend just listened.  But another of my “besties” – who has three kids and who suffered through her husband’s two-year bout of debilitating depression – was harsher: “You are getting upset over things you have no control over.”  And this was the message from my dad: “You are so special.  And I know you learned this from me, but I’m not proud of it.  So please, listen to me when I say this – don’t run away from your problems.”

The message was startling.  It wasn’t so much that I was getting upset about things I had no control over; it was that my self-worth and identity revolved around things I have no control over.  In my mind, if I lost my job and my relationship – even if it was no fault of my own, as a person I was a total failure.

I cannot explain to you how freeing this understanding was.  I felt and still feel liberated.  I have sobbed over and again this week, but not out of sadness.  I have cried tears of joy, because I now truly comprehend all of the lessons that I learned in theory over the last year and a half.  Namely: I can choose not to suffer; I must learn to love myself; and I must not allow the actions and feelings of others to determine my success or failure as a person.  This comprehension has radically changed the way I have approached everything this week – including those same “problematic” issues in the personal and professional arenas.

Here’s how it was different: I signed up for a dance class, which I’ve been scared to do for over ten years.  I baked my first dessert from scratch.  I spent lunch with a friend on Wednesday really listening (and learning).  I decided to spend my working hours thinking it is more important to love who I am and to stretch myself in ways that I deem matter, rather than spending them trying to conform to what others deem matters or to live up to the world’s idea of success.  And when I spent the evening with Mr. Wonderful on Wednesday evening, I wasn’t happy because I had something to do or because I was excited about what we did; I focused on being with him completely – learning more about him, savoring the little things I love about him – and discovered it was a rousing and enjoyable success for me and for him.

I know this experiment is only three days old, but these three days have been revolutionary.  Things haven’t gone perfectly (imagine that: my problems didn’t suddenly disappear!), but my outlook on them has changed in radical ways.  As a result, I have found myself happier with who I am – not what is happening to me or my position in life at this moment.  It turns out that I like myself a lot, too, and when I learn to love myself as I have truly loved others, I am both happier and less blown about by the changing winds.

As such, the lessons I’ve learned are as follows:

Lesson 38, reason 488:  Don’t run away from your problems.  Learn to love yourself in the midst of them.

Lesson 39, reason 489:  Learn to brush off the ugly, destructive and unfair actions of others.  In the most recent episode of the beautiful new Lifetime show The Conversation,** Christina Applegate discusses this.  She says she learned to do this in the wake of the tremendous loss she experienced (i.e. a close friend, a pet and her favorite body part post-breast cancer diagnosis), and she and Amanda de Cadenet, who hosts the show, termed this understanding of what really matters one of the few “gifts” of illness.  I cried when she shared this.

Lesson 40, reason 490:  Stretch, love, take care of and learn to be compassionate toward yourself.  It is when we are fullest and most content that we are able to take care of others.   I cannot fully express just how important this one is.

I'm still so happy that you're accompanying me on the end of this journey.
-Me

**Please, please go see this amazing show, which I cannot get enough of.  The women de Cadenet interviews share so many powerful and humbling insights that I cannot relay all of them.  So, go now – you’ll thank me after you watch it.  And then come back and share what you love about it.**

Lesson 37, reason 487:  Metaphorically, good friends are both a warm blanket and a kick in the tail.

During the past year and a half my friends have both comforted me when I needed it and told me like it is as well.  Just today a friend of mine said, "[GratefulHumble], you are getting upset over things you can't control" and then proceeded to explain to me why that is a bad idea.  I desperately needed to hear it.

I am eternally grateful to my four closest girlfriends, who continually serve as my Megans.  (See this Bridesmaids clip, followed by this Bridesmaids clip, and you'll get the drift!)

-Me

Lesson 36, reason 486 is the most important lesson for me personally.  It's "do it, and then do it again."

Now, this may not seem earth-shattering, but it absolutely is.  The lessons you learn have to be applied again and again and again.  You don't get to be patient, compassionate and loving just once; you have to be patient, compassionate and loving again and again.  You don't get to be proactive just so that you can say you were proactive, and then go back to being reactive.  You have to restrain yourself again and again.  You also have to confront your issues on a regular basis; for it to work, therapy can't be a once-in-a-while occurrence.  And ditto the need to savor special moments, slow down and commit to living the good life.  All of these are things that you have to do and then do again (and again).

This includes when you don't feel like it -- when you feel like you've paid your dues and it's time for your break to come.  In fact, I'd argue that it's most important to do these things in the moments when you want to throw in the towel because you feel you have nothing left to give.  It's then that the lessons matter.  It's then that your character shines through.  It's then that you reap the benefits.

At least that's what I've been telling myself over the last few weeks: "I know that you already did this, want to give up and feel utterly exhausted.  Do it again."
-Me

Lesson 34, reason 484:  Don't react to negative situations.  Amazing potential is unleashed when we momentarily remove ourselves from such situations, mindfully examine their root causes and choose to respond in truth and with grace and compassion.  We are able to break unhealthy cycles, diffuse unnecessarily heated conversations and learn things about ourselves and others that will help us the next time we encounter a similar set of circumstances.

Lesson 35, reason 485:  It is not enough not to react to negative situations; we must proactively create positive experiences as well.  (For we are responsible for our own happiness, as I have said ad nauseum.)  We cannot live our lives merely hoping to avoid pain.  We must also create beauty and promote both loving-kindness and enjoyment.  Sometimes this is difficult to do, as it requires energy, purpose and self care.  But there is more to life than skating by, even in the absence of pain.  It is important that we seek to make the most of it.

Only 15 reasons and 19 reasons left to go after this!
-Me