But last night, as my tweets probably gave away, I was struck not by his kindness or humility but by how selfish, ungrateful and mean he can be. In light of it, I was enraged. A nonchalant message from him pushed me over the edge, and the anger and fear that I've felt but hidden for weeks rushed to the surface. That's because, although he is nearby once again, I've heard from him less than when he was farther away, and I haven't seen him since last Wednesday. I have no idea idea what's going on with him. For him to send me a message that bypassed all of that (and my earlier message, which I sent in response to his question about the dates of my vacation) but highlighted something trivial that he could/should have shown me in person was criminal.
And so, as I lie weeping in my bed, I finally lost it. "I don't want to do this anymore!" I screamed, I'm sure much to my neighbors' chagrin. "I don't want to feel this way anymore! I am so sick of this! I don't want to do this!" I thought of our dreams -- big and small, individual and collective. I thought about his dream to write music that would register with the masses and our dreams to spend the summer eating well, seeing shows and traveling, most of which were his idea. He loves a fine meal, a good play and a few days away. At least I thought he did. I wonder if those dreams will ever come to fruition.
It was this morning before I responded. And it was after I read the excerpt of Laura Munson's book, This Is Not The Story You Think It Is, in which her husband tells her he has decided he is moving out because he needs to "sting and burn" and then skips the better part of their family 4th of July holiday weekend. "It's like he's given up. Like he wants to sting and burn. Like he never really had...dreams to begin with. Like they were lies. Or even worse, that he's scared of them...Who is this man? I don't recognize him. Where's the man...who wanted to spread his wings with the woman he loved and see where they'd take him?...I feel duped. I thought we were equals. Grounded in our love and dreams," she writes. And then, when he says something hurtful and snarky after bailing on their 4th of July plans, "My heart flat-out bounces into the dusty corner of our breezeway..."
It reminds me that the man who sent me the message last night isn't the man who made those dreams with me. That's why this hurts so deeply. Well, that and that harsh yet nonchalant words to a person who is being patient despite your floundering is downright mean, insult to injury. But mostly it's that I don't recognize this version of him. And though he could choose to become this person permanently, I'm choosing to believe that he will decide he doesn't like this version and realize that he continues to reach out to me (even in small, nonchalant ways) for a reason. That he wants to be a person who values gratitude and not bitterness, who will come out of isolation and remember again that he has dreams he has yet to fulfill. I'm choosing to believe that this isn't my "real life" but a temporary diversion. A fine one, yes, but not one that requires me to rebuild my entire life. I hope to God it doesn't come to that...
Maybe that's why Colin Hay is in my head today: I can see for a long way, and because of that I'm waiting for my real life to begin (again). It's gonna happen soon, it's just that times are lean.
Any minute now
My ship is coming in
I keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me
And you say "Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
When I woke today
Suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps once again
And you say, "Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Just let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now
My ship is coming in
I keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, "Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
On a clear day
I can see for a long way
On a clear day
I can see a very, very long way
Regardless, this song (#64) is like a soothing balm to my emotional pain. And last night I slew the dragon of anger and am back at being empathetic and not suffering. For one day. Trust. Go slowly.
-Me